This is big for me and other enormous nerds with lots of free time: Over the last few months WWE has uploaded official, ad-free YouTube clips of many past and present superstars’ entrance themes and video. Lots of them, from John Cena to Aksana, are available for your viewing pleasure.
In what is more news than you need about my life, I have spent too many of my hours observing the expansive, obsessive world of YouTube entrance video cataloguers. With a quick look you’ll uncover blood feuds over whether Christian‘s entrance was better in TNA or in WWE, as well as dozens of videos called “Kelly Kelly 7th” that have comments such as “THIS IS HER 6TH DUMASS,” which is a fair mistake because “Kelly Kelly 7th” is identical to “Kelly Kelly 6th” except for a font change and a different shade of pink. WWE publishing these videos may harsh the creative buzz of many iMovie-competent teens, but at least with these I’m less likely to stumble onto the doe-eyed love theme of a Maxine-Michael McGillicuddy fanfiction.
Here’s a couple good finds. Still nothing on Billy Gunn‘s “Ass Man” being officially re-released, which means my hunger strike goes on.
Predictably, CM Punk has one of the best entrance videos in the world as well as one of the best theme songs, the lucky guy. WWE spliced in clips of Benito Mussolini and John F. Kennedy right at the points where “Cult of Personality” mentions them, as a reminder that those were people who existed once.
This guy was huge in the 80s and 90s and remains so today. (*rim shot*) Here’s Boy Meets World featured star Vader punching sh*t in front of a green screen and exercising, footage left over from his GQ cover photo shoot, no doubt. Don’t blink at 0:17 into the video or you’ll miss the highlight, an unflattering shot for a couple milliseconds of his vast ass crammed onto an exercise bike a third his size. I took a screenshot because it was really, really important that all of you saw it.
Accompanied by the sensual sounds of Casio Keyboard Latin Beat 2, here’s Rosa Mendes in a video that highlights her strengths (shimmying, applauding) and minimizes her weaknesses (having to move around too much).
Ryback‘s video is a five second loop of popping neck veins that serves as a decent encapsulation of Rybackhood.
DID YOU KNOW: The theme music for all women in WWE are selected from a playlist maintained by a thirteen-year-old girl named Bridget. The lyrics of Kaitlyn‘s theme song seem to be about the rockingest middle school dance ever.
DID YOU KNOW: Despite Kaitlyn being a three-time all-state champion of Doing the Robot, she was not invited to Bridget’s birthday party.
Videos and image courtesy of WWE, that feeling in your pants courtesy of Big Van Vader. I’m Jon. I write wrestling-related stuff and sometimes other things. Yell at me on Twitter over at @4joncomas if you feel like it.
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